Ice Pirates!!!!

Directed by: Stewart Rafill
Starring: Robert Urich, Michael D. Roberts, Mary Crosby, Anjelica Huston, Bruce Vilanch, and of course, RON PERLMAN.



Way off in the far distant future, kind of in a parallel universe to the 'Dune' saga, where water is in demand instead of 'spice', a group of lovable pirates, well, they steal ice. During a plundering, the captain, Robert Urich, comes across a sleeping beauty, (she's a princess in hypersleep). He decides to kidnap her.


[this image is pretty sweet, since this a movie from my youth.]

 The Royalty quickly catches our pirates and sentances them to.....castration. yup. ....side note..

I remember watching this movie with my mom when I was a youngster and I asked her, "what does that mean?" I forget what she said or how she said it, but I remember thinking that I didn't understand the concept.
Any way....
Did I mention robots??



There are a buncha cool-ish robots in this movie. It's early-mid-eighties, so it's pretty awesome in it's robo-tisms. We get the full range from the fancy, shiney apple/ipod style, the lumbering-bulkey soldiers, to the shiny slang talking taxi driver.

Back to the story.....
With the help of the kidnapped princess, the pirates escape their testicleless fate as she recruites them to a mission to find her lost father. The journey isn't easy as they confront former foes, space herpes, and a lizard "queen". Well, Bruche Vilanch shows up, too.

that bird has no feathers!!

Overall, it's a great little 80's scifi oddity. As far as good films go, it's a good bad movie. Not a bad, good movie, but a good, bad movie.
If it was a kid you went to school with, it's that C+ kid that everyone likes, though you know he'd never amount to anything.

wait, isn't that me?

The special effects are 'cheesey', the story is weak, the acting is, well, better than you'd expect. The real failing of this 'disasterpiece' is that they rush the end. The last ten minutes deserves a better, less silly end..

This is a review coming from someone that will always love this movie, no matter how bad it is.

From Beyond

Director: Stuar Gordan
Starring: Jeffery Combs, Barbara Crampton, and Ken Foree.



The team that brought us the amazing, one of a kind, "Re-Animator" film follows it up with another H.P. Lovecraft tale. In print, the story that the film is based on is anywhere from 5 to 10 pages, depending on the format of the publication. Dr. Crawford Tillinghast, (Jeffery Combs), was working on an experiment with his partner, Dr. Edward Pretorius, (an homage to 'Bride of Frankenstien). When the experiment worked with horrific results, Tillinghast is halled away to an asylum. Enter Dr. Catherine McMichaels, (Barbara Crampton), who believes Tillinghast's tales of the creatures from beyond. She manages to get him released into her care to prove his story, along for the ride is cop, former football player,  Bubba Brownlee, (Ken Forree) to keep an eye on the alleged murdering doctor.



Doctor Catherine is eager to find out what's on the other side as she secretly turns on the wretched machine. It would seem that Dr. Pretorius is still alive, in the other dimension, that is. Pretoris' sexual predilictions of S&M are explored, which is a subject that Lovecraft stayed hundreds of miles away from. There are only a few women in his complete collection of stories. Anyway, things happen, there's bloody mayhem and crazy imagery.



At the end of the day, when you sit down and think, "hey, i'd like to watch a fairly crazy horror film full of gore, creatures, and some 1980's S&M," this is what you want to watch. Of course Jeffery Combs is amazing, as always. Who doesn't love sucking brains out of eye sockets?



This pic should be on a valentine's day card saying "i heart you".

[oh, and Pretorius is kinda uncomfortably hairy.]

SWAMP THING DOUBLE FEATURE!!!

Directed by Wes Craven.
Starring: Adrienne Barbau, Ray Wise, and Dick Durock as Swamp Thing.



Swamp Thing existed before the great Alan Moore started writing for him, but it was Moore's run on the series that made the character so fascinating. So when the horror "great" Wes Craven was announced to direct a Swamp Thing movie, all the early fanboys were excited. Granted, there are some very, very good shots of cinematography abound in the swamp and the sunken church, the rest of the film looks awful.



The best parts of the film are the early moments between Doctor Alec Holland and Doctor Alice Cable. Then the bad guys show up. Once the great Ray Wise is dispatched of, the film goes downhill. If they kept him on for the close up speaches of Swamp Thing, it would be a tad bit better. I, of course mean no disrespect to the great Dick Durock that portrayed the Swamp Thing in both films as well as the pretty darned good tv series.



Yeah, so Dr. Alec Holland is working on cutting edge research. Dr. Arcane is evil and trying to steal Dr. Holland's work. Dr. Arcane kills of Holland, or so he thinks, and attempts to steal his research. Dr. Holland, however, has been turned into a mighty creature of the swamp, do to his own research. Good versus evil. The best, non-action parts are the young kid named Jude that runs a gas station. He's a bit humerous.
"kickin' don't do nothin', you gotta punch it".

If I were fifteen and a fan of the comic when this came out, I'd be pissed. Even today, I'm a fan of bad movies, and this is way up there. I'm not even sure if this is bad in a good way. It's just pretty bad. Oh, and the rubber suit....man, it's as bad as that unreleased Captain America movie.
I keep saying, "hey latex!".

Then we come to "Return of Swamp Thing"

Directed by Jim Wynorski.
Starring: Dick Durock as Swamp Thing, Heather Locklear



Sevin-ish years later, the thing from the swamp returns. This time there is an abundance of humor and better effects. There's even a whole new Swamp Thing costume which is much more to the style of the comic book. The story is also truer to the Alan Moore stories, not a perfect representation, but closer. Straight off the bat we get giant leach creatures(homage to Roger Corman's "Giant Leaches"??). Straight away, Swamp Thing kicks ass and has a sense of humor.



We then meet Heather's character, an L.A. botonist who quickly mentions, "rejects in star trek costumes", and "that guy on tv, T.J.  whats his name", both referances to her "T.J. Hooker", co-star Shatner.  I also like the line "you can stroke a plant and it doesn't get the wrong idea".



The sequal starts off on the right foot with a creature attack on some anti-bootlegging cops in the swamps. We then meet Ms. Locklear's character as the daughter of Dr. Arcane's late wife, making her his daughter-in-law, she decides that she needs to confront him to set things straight. Comic relief? Sure, there's a chubby white kid and his black friend trying to look at porn while their parents are away. "man it's monster central around here tonight." Yup, it's funnier when they say it.



This is what Swamp Thing should look like, and when they get around to making the fancy pants 3-D movie, he should look like this. Maybe a little drippier, though.

FROGS!!--ECO TERROR!!

Directed by George McCowen.
Starring: Sam Elliot!! and Ray Milland!!




Ray Milland is a rich, evil industrialist, Jason Crockett, polluting the world with his products. Sam Elliot,(minus a mustache but with the same cowboy voice), is a freelance photographer working for an enviromental magazine, Picket Smith, [if I ever change my name].  While Picket is canoeing around a private island, taking pictures of pollution and debris, his canoe is knocked over by the fun-loving kids of rich Mr. Crockett. They invite him to join the family for the afternoon, (I think I heard something about the 4th of July?). [yeah, they definatly mentioned the 4th of july]


There are three black characters in the film; two of them are servents and the third is a fashion model that one of Crockett's sons is dating as an act of rebellion. Why do I mention this? It's just one of those staples of seventies cinema. There's two forms of racial exploitaion going on within the film, and, hopefully the filmmakers intended it that way. I like to think that they realized that, but I'm not sure that they did.



Well, as to be expected, the frogs begin to take over the island. Death by death, we really don't care about the people, except for Pickett, that is. Does he die? Does he survive?



As far as seventies 'nature gone bad' movies go, this one is actually pretty good. It's certainly not good in the sense that 'The Godfather' is good, but more like "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" is good. It really makes me want to watch "Squirm".




Academy Award winner Ray Milland.
"The Lost Weekend"
"Dial M for Murder"
"X: The Man With the Xray Eyes"
and dozens more.

MOH: family

Directed by John (American Werewolf in London) Landis.
Starring: George "NORM!!" Wendt.



George Wendt is a family man. During the opening credits, we get a little tour of his house while listening to an upbeat gospel about Jesus. The tour ends in the basement where we discover George pouring acid over a corpse dissolving the flesh and muscles and other lovely tissues. What a wonderful sight. George talks to the body and refers to it as 'grandpa'. We soon meet the rest of the family, his wife and daughter, who sits too close to the tv. They just happen to be skeletons, fully dressed skeletons that happen to have conversations with him. In moves the new neighbors, a lovely young couple that gets drunk their first night there and crashes into "Norm's" brick laden mailbox. They don't even notice the skull that's among the debris. They quickly get cozy as neighbors; dinners, friendly visits and favors.




...and then...



That's about the best set up I could give without ruining the fun of the film. John Landis' horror films are the fun, kinda silly ones. Which makes sense, since he's essentially a comedy director. George Wendt is great as the serial killer, he's just about perfect in this role. Make sure you never get in a car with him. The fairly consistant gospel music adds a little...something to the feel of the film.



In the realm of Masters of Horror, this is a better, not a best, but a really good episode. It's on the recommended list. Very fun.

MOH: the screwfly solution

Directed by Joe (Gremlins) Dante.
Starring: Jason Priestley, Kerry Norton, and Elliot Gould!




MEN ARE GOING CRAZY!!!!!
There is an epidemic of men killing women and it begins in Jacksonville, Florida,(of course). An epidemiologist, (new word for me, too) is sent in to find out what's going on. Unfortunatly, She doesn't last very long. At first, it appears that it's a bunch of violent religious fundamentalists. The madness spreads quickly.



Scientists, Priestly and Gould, believe that someone has released a toxin that confuses men's lust with violence. The only solution, chemical castration, doesn't go over too well with the men in charge. As the epidemic spreads, Priestly warns his wife and daughter to move north and not let him near them. During the journey north to 'uncle' Gould's cabin, they learn to use a gun, mom teaches daughter to drive, men quote scripture and talk about seeing angels, and they run into dear old dad.



I found a really good image from the episode, but I don't want to post a spoiler image.

As far as Masters of Horror episodes go, it's another mid-range one. Not really 'horrific', unless you are interested by gender issues, and not as good as Dante's previous installment, "Homecoming", but we'll get to that one someother time. Early in the episode, the handheld camerawork is a little distracting. The violence and gore are appropriate. It has it's moments and an interesting twist towards the end.

MOH: Dream Cruise

Directed by Norio Tsuruta.
Starring: Daniel Gillies, Yoshino Kimura and Miho Ninagawa.

For season two's japanese director, producers surprisingly went with Norio Tsuruta whose best known for "Ringu: Zero", the prequal to the "Ringu" series and the better than average "Premonition", (not the ridiculous one with Sandra Bullock). Producers made this the season finale. Why? I'm guessing that it has to do with the 87 minute running time. Why did they let this film be roughly 30 minutes longer than other, more deserving episodes? I'm really not sure. There is good bit of tension that gets built up throughout the film, as well there should be. However, this is in no way one of the series best films. I'd say it ranks right in the middle.



The story is a fairly typical one. An American buisinessman in Japan is having an affair with his bosses wife. The boss invites him to join them on an evening cruise on his boat, named "Yuri" after his wife. American buisinessman isn't to keen on the idea. Not only will he be trapped on a boat with his mistresses intimidating husband/his boss, but American buisinessman watched his little brother drown when they were kids. The early half of the film focuses on whether or not the husband knows whats going on with obtuse accusations which create moments of unease. The boats propeller stops. Japanese boss/husband gets wetsuited up and dives in to try and fix it. The usual japanese tentacle of hair attacks his arm as the propeller starts up.



That's when the movie gets fun; stabbings, severed limbs, ghost women and children, flashbacks of murder. The gore and special effects are quality and really fun. I'm a big fan of the illuminescent ghosts. I like to think of them as old-timey ghosts a-la "The Canterville Ghost".



Overall, it's a good film. Like I said, it's kinda right in the middle, as far as this series goes. Not the best, but certainly not the worst.

M.O.H.- The Damned Thing

Directed: Tobe Hooper
Starring: Sean Patrick Flattery.



A young boy's abusive father is killed by an unseen force. Many years later, that young boy is the sheriff of a small town were the townfolk begin acting violent; the earliest kills himself with a hammer. As the towns violence escalates, the sheriff does his best to quell the violence, but.....spoiler.



His son may be the target of the unknown horror.
"Maybe".



good luck.

M.O.H.--The Black Cat

Directed by: Stuart Gordan
Starring: Jeffrey Combs, {yes, the great Jeffrey Combs}.



Combs stars as Edgar Allen Poe in an amazing combination of history meeting fiction. Poe, as drunk as history portrays him, has to take care of his ailing wife.

\

One thing leads to another.
She dies.
I really can't say any more without giving away plot points or character moments.
Jeffrey Combs will forever be Edgar Allen Poe.
If you watch this, you'll most likely agree.
Trust me, if you like Poe, you're gonna appreciate this.

Masters of Horror.

M.O.H.
The Masters Of Horror was a two season show on Showtime in which the great horror directors got a chance to make a one hour film with no restraint and no guidelines. They could do whatever they wanted. Many of the great horror authors and directors of today, as well as throughout history, have contibuted to this series. For it's "third" season, it was aquired by ABC and turned into "Fear Itself", the episodes weren't much differant. The televised versions were, of course, less graphic. The dvd release, however, kept the gory content.

I will be listing these as films since they are roughly 60 minutes and made by legitimate filmmakers, not to mention that some of them are better than most big budget horror films.

When I do "review" these titles, i will preface them with "M.O.H.".