In Bruges

iennesDirected : Martin McDonagh
Starring: Collin Farrell, Brendon Gleason, Ralph Fiennes.

Two hitmen are sent on vacation after a hit mis-hap. Of all the places in the world that they could've been sent to, they're sent to Bruges, it's in Belgium. Collin's character of "Ray", doesn't want anything to do with the town, he even has a brief, teary tantrum in the lu after he hears that they might be there for two weeks. Brenden Gleason's "Ken" is looking forward to seeing the historic town, so much so that it seems like he's trying to distract himself.

"They're filming midgets!"

Ray happens upon a film shoot where he befriends the little man, played by the great Jordan Prentice(look him up). They venture into a night of drugged up debauchery. Ray also finds himself falling in love with a lovely girl from the film crew.

When the duo isn't sitting and waiting for the boss to call with further instructions, Ken insists that they do some sightseeing. Ray doesn't want to be in Bruges, though it seems he makes the most of it. He knows that he's there for a reason, a reason that he can't escape.

Twenty-four minutes in will break your heart. 

Ray will make sense then.


Can I say much more?
I'm not really sure.
This is easily one of the best films of the first decade. It's certainly not for everyone.

It's no surprise that both Collin Ferrel and Brenden Gleason were nominated for the best actor Golden Globe for this film...{Ferrel won}....{yay!}..

Oh Yeah.... I almost forgot that Ralph Fiennes is also awesome once he shows up.

There is alot more to the story, but there's too much to go into and I don't want to ruin it for you.

This is easily at least a 9/10 if not a solid 10/10.


The end is very, very good.

I almost forgot to tell you how amazing the score was. ..it was amazing.
Oh, and the cinematography captured every little inch of Bruges, it almost feels like the viewer has been there.

movies i've watched recently: part one.

this is a short list of common movies that i've watched since the year began.
movies that are mainstream enough that i shouldn't have to give a synopsis of the story and/or the cast and crew.
i shall give them a star rating instead.
a scale of 0-*****.
as well as a brief blub.


megamind
****1/2.
i didn't expect this to be good, but clever dialogue and unconventional story twists made it swell.



cloudy with a chance of meatballs.
***
(best fake water i've ever seen.)



i spit on your grave(2010)
this might be one of the best horror remakes to date.
this time around, the revenge seems a little bit sweeter.
though the rape scene is still pretty brutal.
not for the squeemish, though it is for those who seek revenge.

Ice Pirates!!!!

Directed by: Stewart Rafill
Starring: Robert Urich, Michael D. Roberts, Mary Crosby, Anjelica Huston, Bruce Vilanch, and of course, RON PERLMAN.



Way off in the far distant future, kind of in a parallel universe to the 'Dune' saga, where water is in demand instead of 'spice', a group of lovable pirates, well, they steal ice. During a plundering, the captain, Robert Urich, comes across a sleeping beauty, (she's a princess in hypersleep). He decides to kidnap her.


[this image is pretty sweet, since this a movie from my youth.]

 The Royalty quickly catches our pirates and sentances them to.....castration. yup. ....side note..

I remember watching this movie with my mom when I was a youngster and I asked her, "what does that mean?" I forget what she said or how she said it, but I remember thinking that I didn't understand the concept.
Any way....
Did I mention robots??



There are a buncha cool-ish robots in this movie. It's early-mid-eighties, so it's pretty awesome in it's robo-tisms. We get the full range from the fancy, shiney apple/ipod style, the lumbering-bulkey soldiers, to the shiny slang talking taxi driver.

Back to the story.....
With the help of the kidnapped princess, the pirates escape their testicleless fate as she recruites them to a mission to find her lost father. The journey isn't easy as they confront former foes, space herpes, and a lizard "queen". Well, Bruche Vilanch shows up, too.

that bird has no feathers!!

Overall, it's a great little 80's scifi oddity. As far as good films go, it's a good bad movie. Not a bad, good movie, but a good, bad movie.
If it was a kid you went to school with, it's that C+ kid that everyone likes, though you know he'd never amount to anything.

wait, isn't that me?

The special effects are 'cheesey', the story is weak, the acting is, well, better than you'd expect. The real failing of this 'disasterpiece' is that they rush the end. The last ten minutes deserves a better, less silly end..

This is a review coming from someone that will always love this movie, no matter how bad it is.

From Beyond

Director: Stuar Gordan
Starring: Jeffery Combs, Barbara Crampton, and Ken Foree.



The team that brought us the amazing, one of a kind, "Re-Animator" film follows it up with another H.P. Lovecraft tale. In print, the story that the film is based on is anywhere from 5 to 10 pages, depending on the format of the publication. Dr. Crawford Tillinghast, (Jeffery Combs), was working on an experiment with his partner, Dr. Edward Pretorius, (an homage to 'Bride of Frankenstien). When the experiment worked with horrific results, Tillinghast is halled away to an asylum. Enter Dr. Catherine McMichaels, (Barbara Crampton), who believes Tillinghast's tales of the creatures from beyond. She manages to get him released into her care to prove his story, along for the ride is cop, former football player,  Bubba Brownlee, (Ken Forree) to keep an eye on the alleged murdering doctor.



Doctor Catherine is eager to find out what's on the other side as she secretly turns on the wretched machine. It would seem that Dr. Pretorius is still alive, in the other dimension, that is. Pretoris' sexual predilictions of S&M are explored, which is a subject that Lovecraft stayed hundreds of miles away from. There are only a few women in his complete collection of stories. Anyway, things happen, there's bloody mayhem and crazy imagery.



At the end of the day, when you sit down and think, "hey, i'd like to watch a fairly crazy horror film full of gore, creatures, and some 1980's S&M," this is what you want to watch. Of course Jeffery Combs is amazing, as always. Who doesn't love sucking brains out of eye sockets?



This pic should be on a valentine's day card saying "i heart you".

[oh, and Pretorius is kinda uncomfortably hairy.]

SWAMP THING DOUBLE FEATURE!!!

Directed by Wes Craven.
Starring: Adrienne Barbau, Ray Wise, and Dick Durock as Swamp Thing.



Swamp Thing existed before the great Alan Moore started writing for him, but it was Moore's run on the series that made the character so fascinating. So when the horror "great" Wes Craven was announced to direct a Swamp Thing movie, all the early fanboys were excited. Granted, there are some very, very good shots of cinematography abound in the swamp and the sunken church, the rest of the film looks awful.



The best parts of the film are the early moments between Doctor Alec Holland and Doctor Alice Cable. Then the bad guys show up. Once the great Ray Wise is dispatched of, the film goes downhill. If they kept him on for the close up speaches of Swamp Thing, it would be a tad bit better. I, of course mean no disrespect to the great Dick Durock that portrayed the Swamp Thing in both films as well as the pretty darned good tv series.



Yeah, so Dr. Alec Holland is working on cutting edge research. Dr. Arcane is evil and trying to steal Dr. Holland's work. Dr. Arcane kills of Holland, or so he thinks, and attempts to steal his research. Dr. Holland, however, has been turned into a mighty creature of the swamp, do to his own research. Good versus evil. The best, non-action parts are the young kid named Jude that runs a gas station. He's a bit humerous.
"kickin' don't do nothin', you gotta punch it".

If I were fifteen and a fan of the comic when this came out, I'd be pissed. Even today, I'm a fan of bad movies, and this is way up there. I'm not even sure if this is bad in a good way. It's just pretty bad. Oh, and the rubber suit....man, it's as bad as that unreleased Captain America movie.
I keep saying, "hey latex!".

Then we come to "Return of Swamp Thing"

Directed by Jim Wynorski.
Starring: Dick Durock as Swamp Thing, Heather Locklear



Sevin-ish years later, the thing from the swamp returns. This time there is an abundance of humor and better effects. There's even a whole new Swamp Thing costume which is much more to the style of the comic book. The story is also truer to the Alan Moore stories, not a perfect representation, but closer. Straight off the bat we get giant leach creatures(homage to Roger Corman's "Giant Leaches"??). Straight away, Swamp Thing kicks ass and has a sense of humor.



We then meet Heather's character, an L.A. botonist who quickly mentions, "rejects in star trek costumes", and "that guy on tv, T.J.  whats his name", both referances to her "T.J. Hooker", co-star Shatner.  I also like the line "you can stroke a plant and it doesn't get the wrong idea".



The sequal starts off on the right foot with a creature attack on some anti-bootlegging cops in the swamps. We then meet Ms. Locklear's character as the daughter of Dr. Arcane's late wife, making her his daughter-in-law, she decides that she needs to confront him to set things straight. Comic relief? Sure, there's a chubby white kid and his black friend trying to look at porn while their parents are away. "man it's monster central around here tonight." Yup, it's funnier when they say it.



This is what Swamp Thing should look like, and when they get around to making the fancy pants 3-D movie, he should look like this. Maybe a little drippier, though.

FROGS!!--ECO TERROR!!

Directed by George McCowen.
Starring: Sam Elliot!! and Ray Milland!!




Ray Milland is a rich, evil industrialist, Jason Crockett, polluting the world with his products. Sam Elliot,(minus a mustache but with the same cowboy voice), is a freelance photographer working for an enviromental magazine, Picket Smith, [if I ever change my name].  While Picket is canoeing around a private island, taking pictures of pollution and debris, his canoe is knocked over by the fun-loving kids of rich Mr. Crockett. They invite him to join the family for the afternoon, (I think I heard something about the 4th of July?). [yeah, they definatly mentioned the 4th of july]


There are three black characters in the film; two of them are servents and the third is a fashion model that one of Crockett's sons is dating as an act of rebellion. Why do I mention this? It's just one of those staples of seventies cinema. There's two forms of racial exploitaion going on within the film, and, hopefully the filmmakers intended it that way. I like to think that they realized that, but I'm not sure that they did.



Well, as to be expected, the frogs begin to take over the island. Death by death, we really don't care about the people, except for Pickett, that is. Does he die? Does he survive?



As far as seventies 'nature gone bad' movies go, this one is actually pretty good. It's certainly not good in the sense that 'The Godfather' is good, but more like "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" is good. It really makes me want to watch "Squirm".




Academy Award winner Ray Milland.
"The Lost Weekend"
"Dial M for Murder"
"X: The Man With the Xray Eyes"
and dozens more.

MOH: family

Directed by John (American Werewolf in London) Landis.
Starring: George "NORM!!" Wendt.



George Wendt is a family man. During the opening credits, we get a little tour of his house while listening to an upbeat gospel about Jesus. The tour ends in the basement where we discover George pouring acid over a corpse dissolving the flesh and muscles and other lovely tissues. What a wonderful sight. George talks to the body and refers to it as 'grandpa'. We soon meet the rest of the family, his wife and daughter, who sits too close to the tv. They just happen to be skeletons, fully dressed skeletons that happen to have conversations with him. In moves the new neighbors, a lovely young couple that gets drunk their first night there and crashes into "Norm's" brick laden mailbox. They don't even notice the skull that's among the debris. They quickly get cozy as neighbors; dinners, friendly visits and favors.




...and then...



That's about the best set up I could give without ruining the fun of the film. John Landis' horror films are the fun, kinda silly ones. Which makes sense, since he's essentially a comedy director. George Wendt is great as the serial killer, he's just about perfect in this role. Make sure you never get in a car with him. The fairly consistant gospel music adds a little...something to the feel of the film.



In the realm of Masters of Horror, this is a better, not a best, but a really good episode. It's on the recommended list. Very fun.